### The Top Ten Fred Olen Ray Films: A Countdown of Cinematic Cheese and Glory
Fred Olen Ray: the name alone sends shivers down the spines of B-movie buffs and elicits confused stares from everyone else. He’s the mastermind behind some of the most gloriously campy, low-budget wonders ever to grace the small screen. If you’ve never experienced the joy of a Fred Olen Ray film, you’ve probably never had the pleasure of watching a space vampire fight a scantily clad alien princess while a rubber monster looms in the background. But fear not! We're counting down the top ten Fred Olen Ray films according to the internet, where opinions are always factual and indisputable.
### 10. **Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)**
Let’s start with the film that asks the question: What if chainsaws were a legitimate career choice for Hollywood’s most enterprising sex workers? Spoiler alert: They are! Fred Olen Ray gives us this horror-comedy gem, where women armed with chainsaws (and an inexplicable lack of shame) take on a hapless private investigator. The movie’s title tells you everything you need to know—expect blood, body parts, and a budget that might have bought the cast lunch… once.
### 9. **Bikini Drive-In (1995)**
Think “drive-in theater,” but with a twist: it’s run by women in bikinis, because why not? The plot—if you can call it that—centers on saving a struggling drive-in from bankruptcy with the only surefire plan ever concocted: scantily clad women serving popcorn. What it lacks in coherence, it makes up for in sheer, unabashed dedication to its theme. Fred Olen Ray clearly knows what his audience wants—bikinis and a dream.
### 8. **Evil Toons (1992)**
What do you get when you combine live-action, horror, and animated demons? A Fred Olen Ray classic, that’s what! *Evil Toons* is the movie that answers the question, “What if *Who Framed Roger Rabbit?* was a horror movie with a fraction of the budget?” A group of young women unleashes an evil cartoon demon, and the rest is a wild ride through cheesy special effects and even cheesier dialogue. Fred Olen Ray delivers exactly what you’d expect: not much sense, but a lot of fun.
### 7. **Scalps (1983)**
Ah, *Scalps*—Fred Olen Ray’s foray into supernatural horror with a side of Native American mythology, served with a healthy dose of questionable cultural sensitivity. This one involves college students (who else?) desecrating an ancient Indian burial ground and suffering the ghostly consequences. It’s like *Poltergeist* but with less budget and more tomahawks. Despite—or maybe because of—its rough edges, *Scalps* remains a fan favorite among those who appreciate their horror with a side of schlock.
### 6. **The Tomb (1986)**
If you ever wondered what would happen if Indiana Jones met a mummy in a Fred Olen Ray film, *The Tomb* is the answer. Starring scream queen Michelle Bauer, this film dives headfirst into ancient Egyptian curses, stolen artifacts, and the kind of acting that would make a high school drama teacher weep. *The Tomb* is pure pulp adventure, complete with cardboard sets and dialogue that’s stiffer than the mummies themselves.
### 5. **Wizards of the Demon Sword (1991)**
In the grand tradition of sword-and-sorcery flicks, *Wizards of the Demon Sword* delivers everything you could ask for: warriors, wizards, and a plot as elusive as a magical artifact. With low-budget effects that would make even the most die-hard fantasy fan cringe, this film proves that you don’t need millions of dollars to make a fantasy epic—you just need a camera, a few swords, and a lot of heart. And maybe a demon sword or two.
### 4. **Alienator (1990)**
What do you get when you cross *The Terminator* with a bargain-bin alien movie? *Alienator*, of course! This sci-fi action flick features a deadly, robotic alien on the loose, wreaking havoc on a group of unlucky humans. With a title that screams “blockbuster” and a budget that whispers “student film,” *Alienator* is a glorious mess of explosions, lasers, and acting that’s out of this world—literally.
### 3. **Biohazard (1985)**
In the world of Fred Olen Ray, biohazards aren’t just environmental threats—they’re also the stars of his movies! *Biohazard* features a government experiment gone wrong, unleashing a creature that looks like it escaped from a Halloween costume store clearance sale. With a plot that’s thinner than the creature’s rubber suit, this film has earned its place as a cult classic, showcasing Fred Olen Ray’s talent for making the most out of very little.
### 2. **Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995)**
Ever wondered what it’s like to be a supermodel? How about a 60-foot-tall supermodel? Fred Olen Ray tackles this crucial question in *Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold*. The film follows a model who, after a little too much growth serum, finds herself towering over the competition—literally. It’s a parody, a satire, and a monument to the absurdity of Hollywood, all wrapped up in one oversized package.
### 1. **The Brain Leeches (1978)**
And now, the crown jewel of Fred Olen Ray’s filmography: *The Brain Leeches*. It’s low-budget, it’s black-and-white, and it’s so bad it’s good. This early work of Ray’s is everything you could want from a cult film: alien brain parasites, government conspiracies, and a budget that couldn’t even afford color film. *The Brain Leeches* is Fred Olen Ray at his most raw and unfiltered—if you haven’t seen it, you haven’t truly lived.
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So there you have it: the top ten Fred Olen Ray films according to the internet, a place where no movie is too obscure, and no budget is too low. Fred Olen Ray may never win an Oscar, but he’s won the hearts of B-movie fans everywhere. If you’re looking for a night of pure, unadulterated cinematic cheese, just pick one of these titles, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the glorious madness that is Fred Olen Ray.
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